Here is a recent writing sprint of mine in which I let my brain’s most recent thoughts spill upon the page. Enjoy.
What do I believe? I have spent hours and hours mulling over this question lately. And after all those hours, over the last few months, I haven’t come to any conclusions as of yet. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I thought I believed that everything happened for a reason. But since I have been thinking over both recent and past events in my life, I can’t seem to find those reasons. The reasons why bad things have happened. I don’t see how some things can be justified. How they can be explained away without sounding cliche and shallow. Like, “This happened because it was meant to make you stronger.” Or, “This is retribution for your past sins.” I know I don’t believe these things. Because these statements suggest that some all powerful force has a plan. That everything is preconceived in order to reach a goal. But what is the goal? To make me a better person? To make us all better people, and, in turn, the world a better place? If this is true, and there are plans for everyone in the world, then why is there still so much hatred and violence? Why are there still so many people who haven’t become better people after years and years of doing horrible things, and horrible things happening to them? And why does horrible things happen to those whose sins are not of the same degree as the “retribution” inflicted upon them? To make them stronger? Is this the reward they get for being good people? For keeping their sins to a minimum?
I have realized one thing, though, that I know is true about myself. I have lost my faith. Lost hope that things will just get better if I keep hoping, keep praying into nothingness. That magically, everything will be okay. Because it won’t. I need to actively be searching for the goodness in life. I need to be actively creating it. Otherwise I am a blind sitting duck, just taking beatings from the world as I close my eyes and fold my hands in prayer; while all around me, nothing changes. Chaos continues its cycle. I will create the life I want, without any help from some unseen force. I will create my own happiness, and I will share it with as much of the world as I can.